Here is a journal i wrote on my tumblr right as the new year rolled along. I feel that I've come so far already. Lost 17 lbs, pursuing my art, making better
friends...
I won't say I have put an effort into a list of New Years resolutions as many have done (or have not done) however, I can conjure up a list of, for a lack of better words, "fix-it: 2012 was a tough year." In retrospect, in the year of 2012, the year the Earth was to end, ironically, I lived as structured as a dilapidated building, weathered from abusive owners; poorly, with no resolve. At some point I had lost control of a life that can only be mine; in a stretch of imagination, it ran around bumping into walls in a blind frenzy. How can i describe to you how it felt forcibly succumbing to a force larger than myself.. outside of my own body.? A sheer heart-stopping beauty of belonging; or so i thought. When I had finally grabbed ahold of this headless-chicken ( my life) I felt it's ribs expand and contract under my fingers, a dirty, warm umbrella of disgust set in. What had happened to me? I dropped my life as if it were hot. I wanted a life raised with justification and perfection rising on new foundations. Last year spoke as much of my hope to be delivered from self-loathing as it did my failure to live unilaterally, unaffected by others independent and strong; yet it holds such premise as to what i still hope for that even now as I write this, I can still summon that old fervor. In conclusion: I wish to be the self I thought was beautiful. 130 lbs, dedicated to my art, able to keep eye contact, and loyal to those who matter to me forever drowning out the negative influences; Whether it be those who do it intentionally, or those who subconsciously go about in a naive banter with a mundane outlook of their non-existent potential. It's sad how narrow-minded people can be. One thing I can be sure that I decided correctly upon was to let go of those who could do nothing for me. I felt that I showed enough character to continue to support and love these people… It was good to taste betrayal for great and petty reasons. It separated the black and the white and revealed that I did not need such abhorrent people in this walk to begin with. This year I'll eat this chicken, but this time I'll chew really really hard.